♡ peace pockets

Neon lights, a projector & other people's dogs

I absent-mindedly scrolled through photos when I unintentionally stumbled upon a year I never dared revisiting.
Photo archives of 2024 may as well be locked away in a vault. The official first year without my lover. My partner died in February 2023, and since I blacked out for the next 9 months, that year doesn't count for me. I have no memory of eating, sleeping or speaking a word.
2024 was the first year I was conscious again.

If you asked me to sum up 2024 in one sentence, I would probably say “I rented a room with a flatmate to save money because I could only work part time, and if I wasn’t at work I was crying, drinking alcohol or sleeping.”
So, when my scrolling thumb wandered to 2024, I braced myself. But instead of wincing and wailing, odd fondness took over.
I was caught in a beast of a rip current yet I still took the time to honour. I honoured my grief and my loss and my spirit, clutching at small sparkles to survive; my little pockets of peace. They didn’t necessarily feel joyful at the time, but looking back I can see they were breadcrumbs back to myself.
I paused on every photo. Here I am in 2026...alive! unashamedly wearing odd socks feeding my ducks and writing this piece, thanking sunshine and grass and the cute white feathers my webbed-feet friends leave behind. And I may owe it all to those small sparkles.

This article is as fluffy as my ducks, but sometimes that's all we need. Here are some ramblings…my cute and childish rituals I blindly took part of when I actually wanted to live in heaven more than earth.

^{Sleeping Pink}_💕💫
On really, really dark days, my bedroom glowed pink. Sunset snuck through white curtains, striking the disco ball than hung near my bed. I switched on all of my pink neon lights and while my bedroom was more like a teenager’s, whimsy cradled me. I crawled into bed at dusk, listening to ethereal music watching lights dance all around. I fell asleep listening to the sea.

^{Sea Castle}
I almost forgot that during my first year of grief, I lived in an opulent two storey home, painted brilliant white. It reminded me of sun-drenched terraces clinging to the cliffs of the Greek islands overlooking the sea. It borrowed coastal charm from the Mediterranean and it was mostly mine. The lady I rented from worked interstate and only home bi-monthly. So, I basically lived in a castle alone. The beach only a street away meant I fell to sleep to an oceanic lullaby. When panic engulfed my lungs, I walked to the liquor store on the corner and bought A double Vodka, then sank my toes in the sand and drank the one drink. The liquor warmed my insides and I watched the sea for hours.

^{Potting mix and sugar cane mulch} _🌼
I never planted a seed prior to my partner dying. I can’t even remember the first flower I grew, but somehow, I became the crazy flower lady, planting all of the flowers all of the time. I no longer spent money on fancy heels and perfume, now it was trips to the nursery to buy bulk potting mix and cane mulch.
Sugar cane mulch is sunny and smells like sweet dust. I was tossing it about the gardens like confetti. I tucked flowers behind my ears and made small bunches for my colleagues.

^{Borrowed Puppies}
I accidentally fell into petsitting when a friend needed her puppy cared for while she was away. Any chance I could, I was feeding, walking, cuddling other people’s dogs.
They slept on my trembling body when I cried. And licked tears from my face!
They also didn’t judge when I drank beer and ate a wheel of camembert.

^{Heart Hunting}
It seemed the universe was hugging me too. On every walk, I came across love hearts, from heart shaped rocks to love heart clouds in the sky.

^{Hot, hot sun}
I have always loved cooler climates. I never lived in hot cities, only those with grey skies and rain. Cool weather meant knee high boots, piping hot lattes and fancy scarves.
During grief, I fell in love with heat. Always trembling from lack of food and panic, the sun cushioned my nervous system. I walked for hours in midday sun (do not try this at home). Sunburn became a strange symbol of light. The hotter the better, and I still feel this way today. I’m moving to the outback where rain is scarce, the skies ginormous and the sun shines fiercely every single day.

^{Ceiling Movies}
I bought myself a projector, and for approximately twelve months, I hardly left my bed if I didn’t have to, and watched cartoons and space movies on my ceiling.
I now have back pain that I put down to that year of lying in bed looking upwards for hours on end. But they may be the cosiest hours of my life. Totally worth the current Mobic prescription.

^Underwater
I was bomb-diving into any pool I saw. In a previous post, I wrote about my experience with spirit while swimming underwater. From that day, I became obsessed with swimming. I joined the aquatic centre and swam laps and laps and laps and the lifeguard asked if I were a training athlete.
I bought all of the gear; swimming cap, goggles and ear plugs. Underwater the noise stopped, and the sun beams breaking the water surface looked like how I imagine heaven to be.

These were just small things I did during my first year, not knowing they were medicine. Grief tugged me further and further from the life I’d known, and I truly believed I was done for. My heart literally ached and I thought I’d join my lover in heaven from cardiac arrest the way my heart was stinging. All this time I remembered 2024 as the year I hated myself, yet I had been quietly caring for myself all along. I supported my mental health the best way I knew how. I was honouring my grief, respecting my loss, and somehow still finding ways to bring little pockets of light into harrowing times.
Zombie-walking through a constant daze, crying, starving, yet some part of me still chose life, finding tiny reasons to stay.

It’s hard to believe, but I promise you this: if you can physically survive your grief, there will come a day when you smile again.
And if you’re reading this thinking, “this is blasphemy!" (I know I would have if i read this post in 2024)...then message me.
I’ll offer you my raincoat.💕